Two factory workers are talking.The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."The man replies, "And how would you do that?"The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?B: Yes, of course.A: Great! I never could before!
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
A man is talking to God. The man: "God, how long is a million years?"God: "To me, it's about a minute."The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"God: "To me it's a penny."The man: "God, may I have a penny?"God: "Wait a minute."
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.B: That's impossible. Whose baby?A: An elephant's.
A: I'm in a big trouble!B: Why is that?A: I saw a mouse in my house!B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.A: I don't have one.B: Well then, buy one.A: Can't afford one.B: I can give you mine if you want.A: That sounds good.B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.A: I don't have any cheese.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.A: I don't have oil.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.A: I don't have bread.B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine. Officer: You were speeding.Man: No, I wasn't.Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.Man: But I wasn't speeding.Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?Officer: Yes, you would.Man: What if I just thought that you were?Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!